Yesterday was a very bad day for me. We had been out to Bruce & Vickies the night before and Brad was talking to me about my lack of sociability...
I'm not the warm fuzzy type and I keep my emotions and thoughts to myself for the most part so he was shocked when I had what could only be considered a Katie version of a breakdown...
After the last 8 years of hell that we've been through, hard as I try I'm having difficulty 'having a good time'. May seem stupid to some but I've always been 'the quiet type' to begin with but I have never had a problem 'letting my hair down'. I'm finding since leaving that hell hole we currently call home that while I am enjoying myself in others company, I'm not able to 'let it all hang out'.
Brad genuinely didn't know I had been affected by our experience as much as I have. I think he knows now. After what seemed to me to be ages we said to hell with Them and jumped in the Jeep. Off to Temecula to try the In-N-Out burger we've heard so much about. Disappointing and I'll stick to my beloved A&W.
We were going to go to the Promenade Mall to do a bit of shopping, but my head was really bothering me and the emotion was still raw after the morning I had so we came back home and I took a nap. While napping Vickie & Bruce stopped by to invite us over to a party at their place with all their RV buddies.
I just couldn't do it. I'd looked forward to meeting them for ages but I just couldn't face being around people after the day I had. Sorry guys, next time.
Today is better but I can still sense it lingering so thought perhaps if I wrote about it that might help. Its hard though to write about what we've experienced without using details and still make it therapeutic but whatever I've - I was going to say been through worse, but no, I haven't. I don't regret anything in life because it makes us who we are, but I regret that place. Always will.
Big hugs and this life experience will make you an even stronger and more beautiful person...
ReplyDeleteThanks Vickie
DeleteHope you feel better soon ... try and take one day at a time. There are lots of other people who at times are depressed because of previous circumstances or on going health issues etc. A lot of bloggers do suffer from depression from time to time, Al of Bayfield Bunch, RV Sue and the Canine Crew, Nina from Wheelin as well as my husband Ray, just to name a few and they talk about it sometimes on their blogs as a way to share, or explain to friends why they are not very social at that time. You are not alone. These periods of depression do pass and you will probably find a way to help make these episodes pass for you quickly so it only lasts a day or so instead of weeks. There is nothing wrong with saying that you just cannot get together with a group of people, it happens to all of us. This lifestyle sometimes is overwhelming in itself if you are around other people constantly and do not have "me time". I personally try to balance it so we have days on our own boondocking with just us and the dog throughout the winter with sporatic meet ups. Good luck and know we are thinking about you. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you. I feel it woulda be a disservice to those who suffer to say what I had yesterday was a depression but without a doubt some form of PTSD though that is also a disservice. I appreciate the kind words and thoughts, day to day I’m fine just that the topic came up and my bravado cracked I guess.
DeleteOh.my.goodness!! I SO get what you mean. Just this week, I had a very similar conversation with my other half saying how difficult of a time I am having 'integrating back into society' (and I know you know what I mean by that), after our experiences with *that* place. Not nearly as easy as I thought it would be because, yes, that place does change one and their perception towards everything. Almost like a form of PTSD.
ReplyDeleteAs card-carrying, founding members of the NSC, I think we should incorporate some sort of perk to combat this ;) We can put it on the agenda of the next board meeting.
Hang in there my friend. Glad that you guys are in the sun and warmth (and we're a wee bit jealous of that lol). No snow yet in our area, but I'm sure it will be along soon.
Sending good thoughts and hugs!
Love you guys!! :)
-lw
It helps that I have people TO meet even if I don’t always do just that. Yes I think it is a form of PTSD without a doubt. Integrating back in to society is exactly what it’s about. Unbelievable but true, Thanks for being there lw!! Let you know when that next meeting should be arranged.
DeletePS You can always get an RV!!!
DeleteGood luck and hope you feeling better soon.
ReplyDeleteThanks George, it was just one day and I'm back to 'normal' whatever that is.
DeleteI am a industrial steamfitter recently retired. I am still learning how to socialize particularly with women. Most of my “friends”, fellow union members are men. I like the company of women but I have to force myself to reach out little by little.
ReplyDeleteI also a victim of PTSD, a child of rape, abusive ex husband I consider myself blessed.
I am a surfer of depression and fight to survive!
So sorry to hear of your experiences Mary but you are right that having not given up makes you a survivor. Thank you for sharing this. Life teaches us what we need to learn, sometimes in the most difficult ways. You are stronger for it.
DeleteGiant hugs, Katie. All I can say is that I understand. I don't know the particulars, but I know a kindred spirit when I find one. Sending much love.
ReplyDeleteThanks Dawn, be sure to let me know if your coming out this way, say Quartzsite... Brad wants to go for a week so perhaps we can finally meet if you're heading that way that is... perhaps The Padster too though I know he's probably not thinking about that right now given Chico.
DeleteMy heart goes out for you ( and your husband) and you are so brave to post your feelings. I also do not feel like socializing and meeting new people at times... my blog has been sporadic and generalized about where we are because of this. My hope that with time, more healing will occur for you, and it is FINE not to socialize. Brave girl, Katie! KnD in the rv.
ReplyDeleteThanks guys, it is what it is I guess. No point sugar coating things I say. Can't help anyone that way, including ourselves.
DeleteKatie, its very admirable of you to post your thoughts and feelings! I must say all the power to you !we've all been there ,in one way or another ,good to hear that your back to "normal".cheers
ReplyDeleteThanks Bill, It will take a hell of a lot more than the likes of 'them' to keep me down. :)
DeleteI totally get it, no questions asked. You have my full support.
ReplyDeleteHugs